Funny Forecast 2010

[bholus10]

ARIES
If there was a contest of stupidity, Arians would RAM into the finals without any effort. Because even artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. It’s so true in the case of unwittingly funny Arians, The BLONDE of the 12 zodiac signs. In a relationship, the Arians dictate their partner to make them his/her number one priority or else… their threats are followed by boo-hoos.

Stop this ‘Me First’ thing right away or else all the Santa’s reindeers will poo-poo on your roof and all the air that you breathe with your flared nostrils will reach your head directly making you Airhead of the year 2010.


TAURUS
True to your sign, you’re a raging bull if rubbed the wrong way. I’m so sure THE HULK is a Taurean because most of the Taureans are as angry and as ugly as him. OK now stop pointing your horns at me; you know you ain’t that good looking. You just like to over-exaggerate, not just your beauty; but your brain and brawn too.

So make your motto not to exaggerate this year or else you’ll grow thick black dark hair all over your body while your head will look like a full moon - sans any hair!


GEMINI
Gemini has dual personality, ergo the twins. If you’re a wannabe psychiatrist study Gemini for they are one heck of a specimen. Just like on and off, up and down, north and south is the essence of the Gemini personality. Ying and yang is part of it too. It means they’re attracted to both males and females. While the girl Gemini will readily agree, the guy will take his time to do so!

This year remain faithful to your lover or else you’ll be inflicted with crab louse and you’ll itch and scratch so much that your fingers will turn into a claw and then you won’t be able to satisfy any of your multiple lovers.

CANCER
You moody creatures, who cry at the drop of a hat [and also collect all those hats]! You don’t show it but I know that you’re an archetypal hoarder and a fanatical saver. You’ll preserve a TISSUE PAPER given to you by your lover and you’re capable of selling one also even it's for just a cent.

Since you’re ruled by the moon - the lunar force will make you lunatic, if you don’t mend your ‘moody’ ways. And for every item you hoard you will gain a pound every day. (In WEIGHT, not in cash, ok!)

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[bholus10]

LEO
You believe you’re ALWAYS RIGHT. Even if you claim the Sun goes round the Earth and Earth goes round the Moon! And to correct you, is like stirring a storm in a teacup. Why? Because you’ve lion as your sign and the king of the jungle can never be wrong! ("Yeah, right!" is what people are saying behind your back, especially sneaky secretive Pisceans.)

So stop being Mr./Miss Vain beginning next year or else you’ll get REALLY CHEAP gifts from your friends on your birthday. And yes, beware and be nice to Rams, Goats and Bulls or they’ll make a committee and dethrone (read: disown) you of your royal title.


VIRGO
News flash for all the other zodiacs – Virgos are not VIRGINS. In fact they’re closet sluts! Now don’t go red in the face, the fairness cream that you’re using has made you so white that the redness looks like Dermatosis. Also, you’re obsessed with films and film-stars. And the perfectionist that you are, you know the perfect permutation and combination of stalking a celebrity without getting caught.

So this year make a resolution that you’ll stop being so conceited or else your pride will swell up on your head as a one big abscess. So when you’re aiming for the stars, their bodyguards will know where to aim too.

LIBRA
You’re so getting a lump of coal this Xmas. But don’t spend the whole year WEIGHING its pros and cons because it simply means you’re black beauty with combustible grey cells. You think nobody can argue with you because you’re so shrewd. But the reality is no one argues with you not because they can’t but because they won’t.

Because they know you’re a sore loser and you hate to lose. Not only that, when in an argument you may change sides too (remember scales can go flip-flop) and still continue arguing from the other side which annoys them the most.

So in 2010 stop arguing and also stop fishing for compliments or you’ll get scales of the fish on your entire your body prompting people to call you a Muddy Mermaid of Juhu beach.


SCORPIO
You hot-blooded Scorpions are the most possessive and the most horny and the most jealous people on earth and probably on Mars as well (Aliens are scorpions, believable right?) You’re so controlling that when in a relationship you would like to control your better half’s body, mind and soul - not only in this life but in the next as well, and the next. GAWD.

So you Stan Marsh you, this year make a resolution to be less possessive and to not think about *** all the time. And if you continue with your obsession your belly will bloat to the size of Pluto and your legs will shorten and your head will stick out like a sore thumb on your belly thus earning you the nickname Big Fat Potato.


SAGITTARIUS
Half-man half horse is not only your symbol, it’s your fashion sense! Yes if you Sags can be so candid and tactless, I can be too! ;p (smiley with tongue sticking out). Your kith and kin get it that you don’t have a single malicious bone in your body but your sense of humour is such that even a pj will sound like a disparaging remark to others.

So this year don’t even try to be funny and count to 10 before being sarcastic or you’ll soon realise that your sharp tongue is actually halitosis! And all the bad breath coming out of your mouth has blown itself on your face accelerating your facial growth that even Brazilian wax won’t be able to get rid of.

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CAPRICORN
You’re one helluva violent Alec Smart. You know all the rules and you know how to break them too (mostly with a cricket bat or a hockey stick.) People think you’re such a goat, so coy, so domesticated and so honest but let me tell you people you cannot be more wrong. These capricorners are bald-faced liars and misers too!

This year loosen your purse strings and for heaven’s sake get a gift for your loved one. Or else the tightness of your fist will result in an even more tighter a**hole, making it difficult for you to do any kind of morning business. For you billies cash and **** goes hand-in-hand this year.

AQUARIUS
You Aquarians are totally unpredictable. You can go to any direction and people who are with you are forever wondering whether you’re coming or going. You’re spiritual but you’re slyly so and your prayer goes something like this, “May those who love me, love me, and those who don't love me, may God turn their hearts, and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so I'll know them by their limping.” And this is how they identify their friends and foes!

This year take a vow to pray with the intention of PRAYING not PREYING. Or else all the fishes, the crabs and all the water signs will pray that you lose all sense of direction and end up at Ram Gopal Verma’s house who will cast you in Ram Gopal Verma Ki AAG 2 opposite RGV himself.


PISCES
If anyone wants to learn how to build castles in the air you should go to a Piscean. No kidding, they dream about self pouring tea-pots and genies too. More often than not they’re victims of their choices and because of their choices their friends and family have to suffer.

Now instead of nodding your fathead keep it firm on your shoulder, you fishy fish or else you’ll lose your job and for the rest of the year you’ll be seen bobbing your head and flipping burgers in some shady joint in newly-found state Telangana.