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#6
08-26-2010, 07:54 AM
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5. Heaven Can Wait “Here Comes Mr. Jordan” is a beloved, award-winning comedy classic from the Golden Age of Hollywood. This means, of course, that nobody watches it or has ever heard of it. But if you get a chance, it’s pretty fun.
In ’78, Warren Beatty, tired of all the jokes about his life, decided to make a movie that didn’t involve him being a lothario and remade it into…a beloved, award-winning comedy classic from the New Age of Hollywood, which, of course, means that nobody watches it or has ever heard of it. Maybe it’s less a remake and more the continuation of a curse. 
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#7
08-26-2010, 07:55 AM
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4. The Amityville Horror The original ’70s “Amityville Horror” is the biggest block of cheese you can get outside of a deli. Seriously. It’s ridiculous. Highly entertaining, especially as James Brolin decides the best way to improve the film is to eat the scenery, but ridiculous. And the book’s worse.
So it’s a little weird that the 2005 version actually works. For one thing, Ryan Reynolds convincingly goes insane, and the movie has figured out that whenever you have a family with a parent going insane, the creepy parts are mostly a loving parent losing it instead of ghost effects ripped off from Japanese movies. Also, there’s a hot babysitter. Scantily clad babysitters can improve any movie; I hear they’re digitally inserting them into Citizen Kane.
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#8
08-26-2010, 07:58 AM
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3. Beau Geste “Beau Geste” is a novel about stealing the family jewels and running off to the French Foreign Legion. The 1926 movie is pretty much a straight take on the story, which means it’s like every other silent film from the time.
The 1939 remake has two distinct advantages: one, dialogue, which really helps, and two, Gary freaking Cooper. Cooper never gets his due, but if you want a cinematic man’s man, toting a bolt-action rifle and kicking ass, Cooper’s your man. It also helps that the movie, directed by William Wellman, has a bunch of amazing shots and some really weird, eerie effects to it, mostly achieved by depicting the relentless isolation of the fort they’re holding. You will want Gary Cooper to jump the walls and just kick every ass there is, but Hollywood was more restrained back in the day.
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#9
08-26-2010, 08:00 AM
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2. Cat People The original “Cat People” is one of those movies that has a lot of weird, Freudian subtext. “No, you cannot make love to me! I will turn into a panther and **** you!” Yeah, seriously, that’s the plot. It’s actually a pretty effective film, for the time, although it’s hard to keep a straight face now that we’ve had minor advances in human thought like ***ual freedom and women’s rights.
What’s great about the 1982 remake is that it takes all the ***ual subtext of the first one and adds liberal doses of freaky weirdness and Jerry Springer. Now there’s incest and bestiality in the mix, which makes for an exceptionally entertaining drinking game where every time somebody brings up one of the two (or both together; it’s that kind of movie), you do a shot. You’ll probably make it past the half hour mark, but not much further. Try to stay conscious long enough to see Natassja Kinski covered in water.
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#10
08-26-2010, 08:02 AM
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1. True Lies This is France for you: they come up with a superb idea about a secret agent pretending to have a normal life who discovers his wife is having an affair…and DON’T make it about the action sequences.
This is why we remake your movies, France. Because we know what they need, and what they need is Arnold Schwarznegger in a Harrier blowing away terrorists with Vulcan cannons. We’re going to be digitally inserting that into the works of Jean Renoir next, and you’ll thank us for it.
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