Top 10 Dumbest Song Lyrics

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6. Dolla [P.Diddy] (Kesha)

This is the first single I’ve ever heard from Kesha and I can’t really imagine where she’ll go from here. To be honest I couldn’t really imagine where she was going to go from the first line of this song. “Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.” How? I have nothing else to say to that, except, how do you feel like P. Diddy? Because I don’t understand. She goes on to tell us that she brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack and she explains that this is because when she leaves for the night she’s not coming back. I have to take issue with this. You can’t defend to me a desire to brush your teeth with whiskey. In fact, I think if your goal is to find someone to spend the night with your chances must decrease by quite a bit if your teeth are brown and your breath stinks like a day old Jack and Coke. Just don’t brush them at all.

Kesha has questionable judgment. She later tells us she kicks men to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger. I begin to wonder if Kesha has recently seen Mick Jagger. Maybe he was attractive 30 years ago, but now he kind of looks like a caricature, or something that got stuck in a drain. Kesha, you currently have no credibility with me. F

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5. Girlfriend (Avril Lavigne)

I hate this song not only because the lyrics are so dumb, but also because as I sit here writing this I have begun to sing it to myself, and I don’t know when that will stop. Infectious in the way a virus is; this song has very little redeeming it. Firstly, Avril is coveting a man we understand to be committed to someone else. And secondly, it sounds like chanting that you’d hear at an elementary school playground. “Hey, Hey, You, You, I don’t like your girlfriend. No way, No way, I think you need a new one.” This is the musical equivalent to ‘I know you are but what am I.’ Throughout the tune, Avril gives us some key pieces of information: this man is interested in her in spite of having a girlfriend and Avril doesn’t like this girlfriend because allegedly she is stupid (you’ve heard the one about the pot and the kettle, Avril?). Avril tells this man about his girlfriend: “She’s like so whatever, and you can do so much better.” She also tells him “Hell, yea, I’m the mother f***ing princess.” Which is a head scratcher because I didn’t know there was a country known as MotherF***er, is it a commonwealth, part of the United Kingdom maybe? Is it a sovereignty where these lyrics aren’t terrible?

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4. MmmBop (Hanson)

You had to know this was coming. These can barely be called lyrics. Half of the lines of this song are dimly lit attempts at existentialism while the other half are not comprised of actual words. We learn about relationships being able to disappear in an mmmbop, which I assume is some measure of time, comparable to a minute. Then Hanson says:

“In an mmm bop they’re not there.

Until you lose your hair.

No, But you don’t care.”

Which I can’t understand. Apparently mmm bopping has quite a bit to do with hair loss because they mention it several times. They’re also mystified by things that perhaps shouldn’t be so difficult to grasp, for instance:

“Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose

You can plant any one of those

Keep planting to find out which one grows

It’s a secret no one knows

It’s a secret no one knows

No one knows”

Hanson, let’s be clear, this is not a secret no one knows. If you simply mark in where you planted a seed, you shouldn’t have any trouble predicting what will grow. A truer example of a secret that no one knows is how this song ever got airtime.

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3. Love Story (Taylor Swift)

I think the world has seen the type of wrath that can be incurred if one upsets Taylor Swift (thanks to Kanye) so I will include a disclaimer. I love Taylor Swift, I think she’s great. However we can not all just close our eyes and pretend that these lyrics don’t contain some fundamental problems. Taylor seems to have misunderstood two crucial pieces of literature: Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare and The Scarlet Letter by Nathanial Hawthorne. For instance:

“Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone,

I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run.

You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess,

It’s a love story baby just say yes.”

Taylor, Romeo and Juliet both **** themselves because they can’t be together. It’s heavy stuff. All that’s left to do is not run. They don’t “just say yes” (unless you’re referring to saying yes to suicide and this song is much darker than I thought). You can’t talk about the famous ill-fated lovers and discount their ill-fated-ness; it just leaves too many doors open.

Another issue, you tell us “…’cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter” which again really doesn’t work. You can’t be a scarlet letter; you wear a scarlet letter and you wear it for being an adulteress. Without some impressive metaphor, you can’t really work this so it means anything else, especially since at this point I’m not convinced that you’ve read either of these books. Next time maybe consult with your local high school English teacher and use more accurate (and less morbid) literary references

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2. My Humps (Black Eyed Peas)

There are many songs dedicated to the female form. And they’re generally all stupid. To rank which is stupider than which isn’t really fair, so suffice it to say the song My Humps is more than just number two on this list, it is a representative of an entire genre. It is the representative on my list, mainly because at one point Fergie says “my humps” ten times in a row. You win. My humps is a stupid enough thing to say once, and it would be stupid even to just slip into a verse, but to make it the title and the focal point of the song, well that just elevates this to a different level.

Throughout the song Fergie explains all of the goodies she gets from having |”lovely lady lumps.” These lumps, she explains, are “in the back and in the front”. Methinks I know which lumps she’s referring to. Due to these “lumps” and “humps” Fergie tells us she gets “…ices, Dolce and Gabanna, Fendi and then Donna.” She also is given “Seven jeans and True Religions” and, never the mooch, she tells us that “I say no but they keep givin’…” Apparently if you have humps like Fergie’s you can acquire a great amount of material goods. What a wonderful celebration of the female anatomy. I didn’t read The Feminine Mystique, but I imagine some of these lyrics were taken right from the pages of that book. Maybe I’ll ask Taylor Swift